peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
