I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
