omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
