its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
