You made me cry and you don't even care
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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