was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
