I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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