Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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