He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
