I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
my liver is dry heaving
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
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