my phone needs a breathalizer
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
