Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Randomize
