Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
