I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
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