I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
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I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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