i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Randomize
