When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
