tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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