She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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