i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
The air taste purple.
Randomize
