i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
