just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
