I cannot find my penis.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
