I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
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The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
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Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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