So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
