You smell like a Billy Joel song
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
We need a shit load of segways right now
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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