It's like a parade of train wrecks.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
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