a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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