Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Randomize
