I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize