I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
