yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
