if only i could text you this smell
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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