My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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