Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize