I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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