Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
