Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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