When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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