i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Randomize
