i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
