i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
