i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
