What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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