chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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