Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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