Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
And then my night got REAL pukey
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
