Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I fill condoms, not promises.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
