The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
