Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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