There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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