went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
