Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
