Apparently you make a good broom.
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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