i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
